16 Questions That Can Change Your Life
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Know thyself, love thyself. Image: geralt
To know yourself is to love yourself suggests a deep connection between self-understanding and self-acceptance. When we begin to understand why we think what we think, feel what we feel, and do what we do, we can develop a deeper appreciation of who we are, of both our light and dark sides, which inevitably leads to greater self-love. Part of this process involves recognizing our needs, which are often contrary to our desires. We can then begin to set healthy boundaries and make choices that align with our values and well being (rather than wealth).
As the method in this article is primarily concerned with the ability to recognize our needs, let’s kick off with a little thought experiment.
Imagine that we made the conscious choice to be born into our current human body.
Imagine that we choose our parents, and thereby the environment into which we are born. Imagine that we choose every dream we dream, choose every thought we think, choose every feeling we feel, choose every word we say, choose every act we do; and moreover, choose every sight we see, every sound we hear, and sense every smell, taste, and touch that we sense.
How does that make you feel?
Until not so long ago, a thought experiment like this made me feel uncomfortable to the point of frustration. There was a comforting and clear division between what I did and what happened to me: the former emerged out of my free will (and encompassing all my qualities), the latter by some force outside of me (often malignant, and encompassing all my faults and adversities).
But then I heard, some years ago, the following statement by Alan Watts in one of his lectures:
“I am responsible for the way the world is. Because if I am not, then I will inevitably accuse and blame others, and I don’t want that.”
In some inexplicable and visceral way, that actually sounded reasonable. Moreover, all of a sudden this thought experiment was seen from a different perspective. Because if I am completely responsible for all my dreams, thoughts, feelings, and actions, that means inevitably that I have power over the kinds of dreams, thoughts, feelings, and deeds, that my organism does, or doesn’t, produce. As a perspective through which we can experience life, that feels rather appealing.
Then, recently, I read the following statement in The Art of Listening by psychologist and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm:
“A person is responsible not only for what he thinks, but for his own unconscious.”
If we are responsible for our own unconscious, can we then also determine the contents of our dreams? Illustration: Elf-Moondance
What he means by that is that by virtue of being human, each and every one of us has the ability to develop our mind to the point that we are able to get to know ourselves so thoroughly, that we in fact can become masters of our own destiny. That can be attested by many sages, guru’s, spiritual teachers, bodhisattva’s, and laypeople throughout the ages, who attained high degrees of enlightenment by developing and perfecting the art of getting to know themselves; that is, getting to know how their own minds and bodies function. Moreover, The Buddha made it a point to emphasize that, above all, he was human, and had attained his liberation (from his monkey mind) by nothing but his all too human faculties.
Admittedly, though, putting the spotlight on ourselves can feel pretty scary at first, especially in a culture that almost seems to have abolished the whole idea of responsibility, despite all the lip-service that’s often paid to it by public figures. One feature of this abolishment of responsibility can easily be observed by our daily, and fully accepted, use of the verb to have.
According to Fromm, a statement like: ‘I have a happy/unhappy marriage,’ is actually only a cover-expression with which one puts a state of mind in terms of a property-relationship. In other words, by placing the marriage as a separate entity outside of ourselves, we project our own feelings onto it – as if my marriage and I are two fully seperated things – and in that way we try to protect ourselves from feeling and experiencing anything.
My marriage might be unhappy, but I am peachy![1]
Moreover, by placing a situation or institution outside of ourselves, we no longer have the feeling that we have to (or can) take responsibility for it. But that comes with a questionable side effect: powerless passivity. For if I am not allowed to, or cannot, take responsibility for myself and the situations and institutions that I am a part of, or engaged with, then what’s my purpose of being here at all?
Now, it sounds reasonable that in a psychotherapeutic setting, it is important that patients can mobilize their own sense of responsibility and activity for their healing process. Yet, how many of us are not in a psychotherapeutic setting, yet also experience a certain feeling of being trapped in an unfulfilling, or even toxic, life or work situation?
Therefore, here’s a method that might help you to regain control over your own life, because there’s no stronger aphrodisiac than to experience for yourself how much power you have in shaping your own destiny.
The Method
The method is simple. For each aspect of your life, investigate how you feel about it by attributing either nourishing or pathogenic feelings to it (see the illustration below for guidance). For example, ask yourself:
‘What are my current living conditions? How do they make me feel?’
If your current living conditions make you feel joyful, energetic, or provide other nourishing feelings, you can be fairly certain that they are beneficial to your health, emotional development, and spiritual growth. If, on the other hand, they make you feel anxious, frustrated, or cause other pathogenic feelings, then your current living conditions are most likely detrimental to your health, emotional development, and spiritual growth.
Possible pathogenic or nourishing feelings caused by different aspects of life. Illustration of the heads: Mohamed_hassan
As soon as you have established which aspects of your life structurally[2] cause pathogenic feelings, you then have created a choice: either remain stuck in circumstances and/or patterns which keep you emotionally imprisoned and immature, and potentially make you sick, or change them. As scary as that might seem, you DO have the power to make that choice. And if you do, you are empowering yourself because by examining yourself in this scientific way, you have discovered what is healthy and unhealthy for YOU.
Moreover, since this course of action is by definition conducive to your health, emotional development and spiritual growth, you will find out that unhealthy thought and behavioural patterns will eventually be cut off, as you are now beginning to move with the tides of life - that is, according to your unique, individual nature.
Thus, here’s a list of life-aspects for inventory, and to investigate whether or not they are conducive to your health, emotional development and spiritual growth. Naturally you can expand the list with aspects that aren’t mentioned, yet are important for you.
So here we go:
1) What are my current living conditions? How do they make me feel?
Living conditions refer to the circumstances of life, such as access to suitable housing, food, clothing, clean water, etc.
2) What is my current living environment? How does that make me feel?
Living environment refers to the general atmosphere and condition of your home, neighborhood, city, and country where you live.
3) What is my current diet? How do the particular foods and beverages I consume make me feel?
Here it is important to sincerely assess what you eat and drink on a daily basis. Be sincere and don’t omit anything.
4) What are my current eating habits? How do they make me feel?
This refers to the amount of meals per day, the presence or absence of a regular meal consumption structure, snacking in between meals, and eating to feel better.
Note: if eating satisfies only because it is done to repress a certain frustration or other negative feeling, there’s a good chance you’ll experience pathogenic feelings on one or more of the other life aspects.
5) Who are the people I currently engage with? How do they make me feel?
This refers to (love)relationships, family, friends, colleagues (superiors, peers, subordinates), roommates, neighbours, supermarket clerks, phone operators, and anyone else who currently has a direct influence and effect on your life (also media or online personalities, for instance).
6) How do I currently provide for my livelihood? How does that make me feel?
This refers to the line of work you’re in and whether or not your job is meaningful and fulfilling for you.
7) On which activities do I spend my time? How do they make me feel?
This refers to the actual activities you do at school or work, but also in and around the house, or any other activities you’re currently engaged in (family activities, sports, music, arts, hobbies, charity, photography, political party, etc.).
Moreover, if excessive gaming, gabling, or other activities of an addictive nature are part of your daily life, note them down under this question for investigation on how they make you feel.
8) What thoughts and dreams currently occupy my mind? How do they make me feel?
Usually our thoughts and dreams can be categorized as they tend to revolve around current important topics or problems, but also individual thoughts and dreams can create profound effects. Write them down as you see fit, and investigate which feelings they cause in you.
9) What sports am I currently doing? How do they make me feel (or, if not engaged in any kind of leisurely physical or mental activity, how does that make me feel)?
With sports are meant activities that require intensive physical and/or mental exertion (e.g. football, chess, etc.).
10) How does my daily schedule look? How does that make me feel?
This refers to the presence or absence of a regular daily structure, and if that fits your constitution or not.
11) What kind of music/art/entertainment do I currently consume? How does that make me feel?
I grew up in the 1980’s as a hard rock/heavy metal aficionado. Yet, most of the music I listen to nowadays varies from jazz noir to Indian; from Latin to D&B; from and trance to ambient, because they make me joyful and, every now and then, ecstatic (even though I can still enthusiastically bang my head from time to time).
In other words, our tastes change as much as our bodies change. Hence this question: is the entertainment that we currently consume nourishing or detrimental to our health, emotional development, and spiritual growth? Are they nourishing or making us sick?
12) What kind of possessions do I own? How do they make me feel?
The way, rate, and speed, with which we accumulate things, usually becomes painfully obvious when we move into a new house. Therefore deliberately asking ourselves this question can have cleansing, humbling, and healing effects.
13) How do I breathe? How does that make me feel?
It’s no secret that becoming aware of the way we breathe can have empowering and healing effects, hence the question.
14) How is my posture while walking, standing, or sitting? How does that make me feel?
As with becoming aware of the way we breathe, becoming aware of how we sit, stand, and walk, also harbours empowerment and healing through the medium of body awareness.
15) What religion (if any) do I currently practice? How does that make me feel?
For many of us who are in need of spiritual guidance, religion plays a big role in daily life. But different people have different temperaments. So since all religions share the same purpose but offer different means of getting there, it is our task as individuals to find out which one is best suited for our particular temperament, at this particular moment in time.
If your current religion makes you experience nourishing feelings, you made a right choice. Yet, if your current religion predominantly evokes pathogenic feelings, you might want to try another one, or let it go for a while to investigate how that feels. Remember, in the pursuit of spiritual liberation, every method needs to be left behind at some point. Clinging to a specific one only keeps us imprisoned.
16) What political party/movement am I currently engaged with? How does that make me feel?
As with the previous question, investigate which feelings your current political engagements evoke in you, and act accordingly.
Welcome! If you have made it this far, you are obviously not afraid to go on a path towards self-discovery, and thus self-love. May this method be added to your toolbox if it speaks to you, and as difficult as they might sometimes feel, may you over-all enjoy your investigations. Because the capacity to surprise yourself remains a wonderful phenomenon!
Jolly greetings,
Erik
Notes
[1] A similar statement is: ‘I have many physical problems, but mentally I’m fine.’
[2] Feelings such as fear and anger are serving when they help us out of a dangerous situation, and sadness is a healthy expression of emotional pain, which can then be processed. However, when certain aspects of our lives structurally evoke these feelings, they lose their serving power and can change into pathogenic factors.
Share your way!
Dear reader, even though the process of finding of our own way in life can be a tough and difficult road to travel, everyone who gathers the courage to walk it shares the same view: they wouldn’t have it any other way. Have you broken free from conventional life to find your own way? Do you have a knack for writing and would you like to share your story via this website? Feel free to leave a comment or contact us via the contact form. We’d love to make our community grow!