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Every interesting story arises out of the tension between what we think we want and what we actually need. For instance: Lester Burnham, the protagonist of the 1999 movie American Beauty,[1] is a middle aged man in a midlife crisis who hates his job and whose marriage is a wreck. Nothing brings him joy anymore as he feels unwanted and unloved. Subsequently he creates an infatuation towards his daughters best friend, because he desires the excitement of feeling wanted and young again. Unfortunately, his desire gets him killed.

Desire, in the above case, is based on the erroneous idea that something outside of ourselves can bring everlasting happiness. That idea is confirmed by our Western way of life, which promises happiness for those who have the money to buy it – despite the well-known adage that money can’t buy happiness. Therefore we can say that what we want, is culturally determined.

For Lester it would probably have been much more recommended, and healing, had he taken a break from everything, and thus created a chance to come to himself, for that is the only place where real happiness and satisfaction can be found.

Everyone comes out of this world with his or her own, unique, talents and predispositions, and it’s common knowledge that developing, cultivating, and integrating one’s innate talents on a daily basis is a sure bringer of joy. In other words, our nature has the power to bring real joy and happiness. Therefore, broadly speaking: what we need, is naturally determined.

In the best case scenario, we discover our talents while growing up and have incorporated them into our life, which makes it meaningful by default. Yet, many of us in various adult age-groups feel, at some point in our lives, to have exclusively served the demands and wishes of others, be it family, boss, church, club, society, or country, at the expense of developing those talents we were innately endowed with. So when we’ve come to the point where our lives are ruled by (mainly other’s) agendas, is there still something we can do to find out what we are actually made for?

The answer is: yes. The source of our innate talents and predispositions lies inside us, and we can always decide to go there. However, a decision to take the necessary time to explore our inner world means temporarily withdrawing from all the roles we perform on a daily basis. In other words, we will physically not be around for a little while to perform our ‘duties’.

Now, that’s all fine and dandy if we’re talking a few days or a week at most. But try to imagine the reaction of our environment when we make our wish known to go away for a few months or, heaven forbid, a year. Most people will do anything in their power to keep us from pursuing our need, because who’s going to perform our ‘duties’ when we’re not around?

The point, however, is that we can never discover our intrinsic talents and passions if we are constantly around other people. They continuously tell us who we are, or who we ought to be, from their point of view – just like we tell others who they ought to be as well from our point of view. This is as unavoidable as water in the ocean. Without having made a journey into the depths of our own subconscious – our individual hero’s journey – we’ll forever be caught up in this trap and subsequently never truly be free.[2]

So, the first difficulty to overcome is standing up to the probable scorn of our environment. One of the boons thereof, though, is that the moment that decision is taken, help from unexpected places will come. Most anyone who has ever been in a terrible and difficult situation can attest to help coming from completely unexpected people or places. That is because it’s almost a law of nature that help will come when the bottom of the abyss is reached and all hope seems lost, which is of course the pivot around which many myths and legends revolve. From that point of view it’s almost desirable to throw oneself in one’s own abyss, which is effectively what one does when taking the journey inward (hence hero’s journey), and is exactly the path that sages like The Buddha, Jesus, or Mother Theresa have walked of their own initiative.

Then comes the next step. Suppose we’ve decided to go completely offline and off the grid for a while. What happens when we’re all by ourselves, cut off from our little habits, attachments, and luxuries? Well, for one, the lack of stimuli offers a chance for the incessant chatter in our heads to quiet down. Because as much as it may terrorize us in the beginning, with no new stimuli to feed it, inevitably it will fade away, and that mental silence provides our intrinsic being the opportunity to manifest itself from the subconscious into our consciousness. Ergo, our true self can reveal itself, and our innate talents, passions, and predispositions can now present themselves as urges and tendencies that we can follow up on to assess if they are as pleasing as they seem.

In case you are unfamiliar with spending time on your own, I suggest participating in a 10 day Vipassana meditation course. It is a crash course in the art of being by and with yourself and provides a valuable meditation technique with the aim of getting rid of mental clutter, which is indispensable in the quest that is one’s hero’s journey. You can find a Vipassana center near you here.

Moreover, if you decide to take the journey inward, you inevitably come out as a master of two worlds. You’re now able to move freely between the realm of conventional reality, which refers to the reality of daily life that we’re all familiar with, and the realm of ultimate reality, where there is realization of the fact that everything in existence is in a continuous state of flux. Effectively that means that when you, for instance, stand next to a dying person, you can feel and share their sorrow in conventional reality, while you simultaneously understand and fully accept the inevitability and necessity of death as the main sustaining force of life.

Therefore, once we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that everything incessantly changes into its opposite; pleasure into pain, sunshine into rain, and back again, what is there left to be afraid of? This is relevant for everyone who decides to go on their personal hero’s journey.

To sum up: may you have the serenity to accept the existence of your desires, the courage to search for what you need, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Jolly greetings,
Erik

Note and Reference

[1] Played by Kevin Spacey.

[2] Following our own path refers to nothing less than The Hero’s Journey as it is so wonderfully written by Joseph Campbell in his epic The Hero With A Thousand Faces. It points to the art of learning to feel, observe, think and judge for ourselves, which are the practical outcomes of the search for our innate talents and predispositions.

Share your way!

Dear reader, even though the process of finding of our own way in life can be a tough and difficult road to travel, everyone who gathers the courage to walk it shares the same view: they wouldn’t have it any other way. Have you broken free from conventional life to find your own way? Do you have a knack for writing and would you like to share your story via this website? Feel free to leave a comment or contact us via the contact form on the homepage. We’d love to make our community grow!

What We Want Is Not What We Need

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